Snake skin

2008 has been a year of change. Starting with the juice feast, the reintegration of yoga as a central component of my life, coming back to chewing … and this following 2007 which – looking back – seems to have been a year of shedding – a relationship that was destroying both of us, a parasite cleanse, attachments to career mythologies, friends, family … It is also a year of openness, of adjusting, integrating, reintegrating, solidifying, honesty, peace, and love (not that I can guarantee any of that finds its way into national politics or policy – but individuals, one heart at a time, one talk, friend, pose, breath, hug, I can contribute to). Where the parasite cleanse rid me of period cramps (if this is TMI, stop now – but for many of us with the potential for giving birth, this is really cool information), the juice feast gave me my first cycle ever without bloating or breast tenderness. It did not rid me of insane dairy cravings (which I honored with more than a lovely cow or goat probably produced in the day – or even week – prior to when I consumed it), but I was almost surprised when the cravings came and my period started as the tenderness, bloating (I am one of those with a complete menstruation-wardrobe), and (what I thought was the) requisite under-the-skin-zit did not alert me to its arrival. The other thing that has seemed to shed is the need to prove myself to others. That I can shed the skin, the trappings, and find me inside. Again. And again. And again. That with every layer that falls away, more of me is revealed. On more days. At more times. More loving. More clear. More present. More raw. More real.

Teaching the teacher

I have a client who is also my teacher. A man who I have been seeing for bio-energetic work for over a year now – someone who has seen me through downs and ups (and the ordering of that was intentional), someone who knows me in ways I don’t know myself. Each time before I work with him I have a fleeting fear, that in the things that he knows more about than I do that there will be a dissonance with what we do together. And then we roll out the mat. Sit. Breathe. And it passes. And as we move through our time together, as we move through the poses he opens up in ways that only yoga can offer. And it is joyful. It is pure. It is peace. And when he feels it, I can not explain the feeling in me that I was able to bring something new to someone who has brought me so much. Gratitude.

Juice feasting

I feel like the juice feast was a great opportunity for me to focus on myself. To get a hold on what goes in (and what comes out), and how each bit affects how I feel. It enabled me to clear my head, and to be aware of what I want in there (my head, that is) and how to make that happen. But every time I juice a cucumber I just want to bite it! I feel like, for me – for now – the combination of juicing all day and a salad at night is ideal. I will stick to the spirulina/lemon/cayenne/himalayan crystal salt/hemp seed oil dressing on lettuce and (of course) cucumbers as my salad for a while. Probably will mix in other greens as the weather (hopefully) warms up (it is really cold for LA these days) and see how that works for me. I feel good about the decision, as the juicing was becoming quite tedius for me – and not in that way that it is part of the journey, more in the way that if I continued it wouldn’t be good for me. So, another day I am sure I will cut the salads and start again. Until then, I feel like raw works best. Challenging as that, too, is – but much less antisocial than just juice … xx

Shoulder-as-instructor

Yesterday in a yoga class, I told the teacher about a weird metallic feeling I was having in the pit of my shoulder during certain poses. He “massaged” my deltoid, really got his fingers in there. With a knowing look, he simply said “it’s tight in there.” As if I didn’t know that … When I came home my shoulder and neck started to spasm. I couldn’t turn my head. There had been nothing unusual going on in there prior to that – it was just one of many places in my body where I held my “stuff.” And he came along with his thumb and said “no more” and I’ve been adjusting ever since … There was no class today because it is a moon-day – but I am sitting with not going tomorrow. To be gentle to myself. Not to push. To be present.

Hmm …

I was at a friend’s house yesterday. She and her husband had just made a beautiful red-velvet cake. The jam in the middle was home-made. The icing was white and sugary (and not home-made, from a can – the kind we used to eat in summer camp …). I ate some. I knew I shouldn’t. But I have issues re: perceived judgment and not eating other people’s food. That if I don’t eat it I am somehow being judgmental that their food isn’t good enough – not just that it isn’t for me … And I had a piece. And another. The sugar was addictive. I couldn’t stop myself from having extra frosting. It was a little scary. I started buzzing. I had a pain in my chest. I didn’t know how to slow it down except to ingest more poisons (some sort of food-downers) to stabilize myself. So I had some cooked food (hummus, falafel, tahini, pita along with a lebanese salad and tabbouleh) and it worked. Boy, was I down. And I went to sleep. For 9 hours. I woke up totally congested, with my face all puffy. It was gross. I felt so great on the juice. What was I thinking?? Or was I thinking my body would not notice what the temptation part of my brain seduced to my lips? The thing about your body is that even if noone else knows you ate it, your body does. And it is the one that has to deal with it. Even long after you forgot how it tasted.

Dunno …

if it is appropriate to still count days – as I’m thinking that I’m going to stay on juice, but have a salad for dinner. It is still cleansing, but it surely isn’t a juice feast. I think that emotionally the 17 days I did filled a need for me – enabling me to focus on myself and my priorities. Maybe there is a bit more, maybe I should have gone at least 21 (as if each day on the feast puts you back 120 days I should have waited to clear out my last relationship of 6.5 years) but I don’t think I’m ready. I think I’d like to find some people to do the juice feast with and start over with them. I know in some ways it is easy and do-able (if you don’t get hung up on the time commitment) and am looking forward to it. So what is this modified juice-feast? A cleanse of sorts? Not sure … but I’m planning on staying on the juice, the one salad/day, the MSM/lemon mornings, the IDF (which is really a great product) and the enemas. We’ll see how it all goes …

Day 17

After an AMAZING colonic, I decided to break the fast. I did the whole soaked prune thing and felt GROSS. So I did something not on the list and had a salad. Lettuce, cucumber with hemp oil, lemon, and himalayan sea salt. I felt a lot better. Than later in the day I had some cashews (I’ve noticed a weakness for cashews throughout these postings) and then by night I feel awful and gassy and bloated. I took the Intestinal Drawing Formula and we’ll see how I am when I wake up. I may just go back on the juice and start all over again (from day 17 – of course!) I just don’t know. But I felt MUCH better on juice than on food!!!

Day 16

I’m bored. I can’t get into drinking the juice. For the past day and today I hardly drank any juice because I didn’t like stuff once I made it and it wasn’t fulfilling. Is this a phase? A part of cleansing? Getting down to the next levels? I don’t know. But this morning I couldn’t hardly even finish the lemon/MSM which normally I don’t even notice. I feel like something is telling me to stop.

Day 15

This is really a struggle.  I’m bored.  It it tedious.  All this time making juice, cleaning the juicer, the enemas … it takes over.  And even with the website, it is isolating.  Today is the first day I didn’t feel well.  Just generally crappy (no relation to the enemas) – drained, no energy.  I’m thinking it was because I didn’t take the Intestinal Drawing Formula the night before and all the toxins built up – but who knows …  I just know I didn’t feel good until I had a lemonade (Master Cleanser).  I used lemon, agave, cayenne – and put chlorella in it too (just in case).  I felt better for a little while.  I don’t know if I’m bored, or resistant to whatever levels are below the one where I am currently.  So I’m pushing on out of curiosity.  Not eating anything not on the program … breaking through this glass barrier I’ve encountered.  To see what lays beyond.

Day 13

Problem solved! The thing I’m really liking about this juicefeasting.com is that even if you are the only person you know who will give up chewing for potentially 3 months, there are loads of people out there who would. And they are willing to share their experiences and challenges with you. Katrina of juicefeasting.com made a suggestion re: my craving that I NEVER would have thought of – salt. I put a pinch of Himalayan Sea Salt in, and the craving for nuts was gone. So, salt of the earth (ok, of the sea – but it isn’t as romantic or as) grounding. Salt, earth, minerals, earth, dirt, ground. Feet to the center of the earth versus fruits, leaves, floating, reflecting. I feel so much better. I’d been thinking about calling it quits – in any other universe, 2 weeks of fasting/juice feasting is a long time – but the salt renewed my interest. I am thinking I want to go through at least one menstrual cycle and see how it feels. After that, I may want to try another month to see what has changed … who knows … xx