Step back

It really is amazing how much you can learn when you lay off yourself for a bit. Accepting a limitation, and instead of berating it, pushing to the limit of your comfort every day – to just really step back and lay off. For me, with my shoulder(s) it has taught me that it is ok to be where I am and that just because things aren’t what I expected or I’m not where I imagined I’d be, that there is still a lot to be gained and learned from where I am. I still don’t know exactly what is going on in my shoulders – structural, emotional, repetitive stress – or some combination of all three. But not practicing in the same way, allowing myself to not use them for a bit, and exploring what else can be done when not using them and staying with where I am has been a challenge but so far rewarding because – without this situation – I’d never have eased up on myself enough to explore these softer, more intimate spaces.

Vastness

Sometimes it seems so overwhelming. The problems in the world – food, the environment, poverty, health, water, torture, war, species depletion, homelessness, hatred, the economy, access to healthcare, overcroweded animal shelters – they seem to go on and on and on and on. It is hard at times like these – when so many things are in such precarious shape to choose which one to focus on, because it invariably means that others you will not have the effort or hours (or even seconds) in the day to strive for. I don’t know how people want to be president and have to deal will all of these issues. For me it is overwhelming. I try to pick the ones that I think I can have the most impact. And believe that my efforts matter. Like voting tomorrow – after 2000 and 2004, it all seems a bit of a joke. That who will be sitting in the oval office next January has somehow already been determined. But if I don’t vote, I have no chance of being heard. And if I do vote – well, I know I voted … And I come back to the question of impact. Of a ripple in the ocean. One day, one person, one posture, one breath at a time. It sometimes doesn’t seem enough given what we are up against. But then, if everyone could breathe clean air, feel good in their bodies, and take a step back and allow themselves some time and perspective to contemplate prior to acting on the things that come up in their lives – maybe, just maybe, a lot of the things we are facing today will get a lot better. Or is that just how I rationalize my existence and the fact that I’m not trying to be a write-in candidate on super-Tuesday??

Dogs and children

If you have a dog, you always get the best part of the avocado. If you have a child – you spend your life eating the bruised sections. I used to feel bad for giving my dog the bruised part, thinking I was a bad “mother” but then I reminded myself that she eats horse poo from the trails, cat poo from the box, and who-knows-what-else when I’m not looking. I think about it every time I give her a bruised section. But I also have to admit that if she didn’t like it and wouldn’t eat it, I’d give her a non-bruised section. Kind of like how I barely have a corner of the bed now that she has taken to snuggling at night instead of staking out her own side or lying across my legs like she did when she was younger … (I am glad she doesn’t complain about the avocado, though …)

Snake skin

2008 has been a year of change. Starting with the juice feast, the reintegration of yoga as a central component of my life, coming back to chewing … and this following 2007 which – looking back – seems to have been a year of shedding – a relationship that was destroying both of us, a parasite cleanse, attachments to career mythologies, friends, family … It is also a year of openness, of adjusting, integrating, reintegrating, solidifying, honesty, peace, and love (not that I can guarantee any of that finds its way into national politics or policy – but individuals, one heart at a time, one talk, friend, pose, breath, hug, I can contribute to). Where the parasite cleanse rid me of period cramps (if this is TMI, stop now – but for many of us with the potential for giving birth, this is really cool information), the juice feast gave me my first cycle ever without bloating or breast tenderness. It did not rid me of insane dairy cravings (which I honored with more than a lovely cow or goat probably produced in the day – or even week – prior to when I consumed it), but I was almost surprised when the cravings came and my period started as the tenderness, bloating (I am one of those with a complete menstruation-wardrobe), and (what I thought was the) requisite under-the-skin-zit did not alert me to its arrival. The other thing that has seemed to shed is the need to prove myself to others. That I can shed the skin, the trappings, and find me inside. Again. And again. And again. That with every layer that falls away, more of me is revealed. On more days. At more times. More loving. More clear. More present. More raw. More real.

Teaching the teacher

I have a client who is also my teacher. A man who I have been seeing for bio-energetic work for over a year now – someone who has seen me through downs and ups (and the ordering of that was intentional), someone who knows me in ways I don’t know myself. Each time before I work with him I have a fleeting fear, that in the things that he knows more about than I do that there will be a dissonance with what we do together. And then we roll out the mat. Sit. Breathe. And it passes. And as we move through our time together, as we move through the poses he opens up in ways that only yoga can offer. And it is joyful. It is pure. It is peace. And when he feels it, I can not explain the feeling in me that I was able to bring something new to someone who has brought me so much. Gratitude.

Juice feasting

I feel like the juice feast was a great opportunity for me to focus on myself. To get a hold on what goes in (and what comes out), and how each bit affects how I feel. It enabled me to clear my head, and to be aware of what I want in there (my head, that is) and how to make that happen. But every time I juice a cucumber I just want to bite it! I feel like, for me – for now – the combination of juicing all day and a salad at night is ideal. I will stick to the spirulina/lemon/cayenne/himalayan crystal salt/hemp seed oil dressing on lettuce and (of course) cucumbers as my salad for a while. Probably will mix in other greens as the weather (hopefully) warms up (it is really cold for LA these days) and see how that works for me. I feel good about the decision, as the juicing was becoming quite tedius for me – and not in that way that it is part of the journey, more in the way that if I continued it wouldn’t be good for me. So, another day I am sure I will cut the salads and start again. Until then, I feel like raw works best. Challenging as that, too, is – but much less antisocial than just juice … xx

Shoulder-as-instructor

Yesterday in a yoga class, I told the teacher about a weird metallic feeling I was having in the pit of my shoulder during certain poses. He “massaged” my deltoid, really got his fingers in there. With a knowing look, he simply said “it’s tight in there.” As if I didn’t know that … When I came home my shoulder and neck started to spasm. I couldn’t turn my head. There had been nothing unusual going on in there prior to that – it was just one of many places in my body where I held my “stuff.” And he came along with his thumb and said “no more” and I’ve been adjusting ever since … There was no class today because it is a moon-day – but I am sitting with not going tomorrow. To be gentle to myself. Not to push. To be present.

Hmm …

I was at a friend’s house yesterday. She and her husband had just made a beautiful red-velvet cake. The jam in the middle was home-made. The icing was white and sugary (and not home-made, from a can – the kind we used to eat in summer camp …). I ate some. I knew I shouldn’t. But I have issues re: perceived judgment and not eating other people’s food. That if I don’t eat it I am somehow being judgmental that their food isn’t good enough – not just that it isn’t for me … And I had a piece. And another. The sugar was addictive. I couldn’t stop myself from having extra frosting. It was a little scary. I started buzzing. I had a pain in my chest. I didn’t know how to slow it down except to ingest more poisons (some sort of food-downers) to stabilize myself. So I had some cooked food (hummus, falafel, tahini, pita along with a lebanese salad and tabbouleh) and it worked. Boy, was I down. And I went to sleep. For 9 hours. I woke up totally congested, with my face all puffy. It was gross. I felt so great on the juice. What was I thinking?? Or was I thinking my body would not notice what the temptation part of my brain seduced to my lips? The thing about your body is that even if noone else knows you ate it, your body does. And it is the one that has to deal with it. Even long after you forgot how it tasted.

Dunno …

if it is appropriate to still count days – as I’m thinking that I’m going to stay on juice, but have a salad for dinner. It is still cleansing, but it surely isn’t a juice feast. I think that emotionally the 17 days I did filled a need for me – enabling me to focus on myself and my priorities. Maybe there is a bit more, maybe I should have gone at least 21 (as if each day on the feast puts you back 120 days I should have waited to clear out my last relationship of 6.5 years) but I don’t think I’m ready. I think I’d like to find some people to do the juice feast with and start over with them. I know in some ways it is easy and do-able (if you don’t get hung up on the time commitment) and am looking forward to it. So what is this modified juice-feast? A cleanse of sorts? Not sure … but I’m planning on staying on the juice, the one salad/day, the MSM/lemon mornings, the IDF (which is really a great product) and the enemas. We’ll see how it all goes …

Day 17

After an AMAZING colonic, I decided to break the fast. I did the whole soaked prune thing and felt GROSS. So I did something not on the list and had a salad. Lettuce, cucumber with hemp oil, lemon, and himalayan sea salt. I felt a lot better. Than later in the day I had some cashews (I’ve noticed a weakness for cashews throughout these postings) and then by night I feel awful and gassy and bloated. I took the Intestinal Drawing Formula and we’ll see how I am when I wake up. I may just go back on the juice and start all over again (from day 17 – of course!) I just don’t know. But I felt MUCH better on juice than on food!!!